This ache in my chest is unrelenting
Even more so than the ache from my empty womb
Laying my head to my pillow is the worst part of my day
The moment I feel the fabric against my cheek is the moment everything floods in
The questions run through my mind in a loop like a never ending VHS tape
Why did this happen to me
What could I have done to stop it?
Do I not deserve another little life to love with my entire being..
I know these questions will not cease until I forgive myself and the universe
However, that is something I cannot do..not yet at least
I’m so angry
At my body, at the doctors, at the fucking world, at every single parent that has a beautiful child that they don’t want or don’t treat with the adoration that that little miracle deserves..
I’m fucking devastated and I have no idea how to start the healing process
I want to scream and destroy everything around me I want tear out my hair and claw at my face to punish my body for this absolute betrayal
But I don’t and I won’t.
No I’m going to continue to lay in my bed with my tear stained pillows and blankets and continue to chase the questions away..